I used to have 3 layers to me.
Layer 1 (outer):
The crazy, fun, bubbly, loud and full of nonsense layer. The layer people easily got to know. You hear me before you see me.
Layer 2 (middle):
The layer that when you come one step closer, you realise that I’m a strong, determined and stubborn personality. If something is wrong, I will speak my mind and I have no apologies for that.
And someone ever said, that for someone like me, you either love me or hate me, and that is so true. I never shy away from being who I am or what I believe in.
Layer 3 (inner):
To know this, you have to be in my inner most circle. Because deep down inside, I’m really just all soft and sensitive. I fragile. My heart breaks easily. And you have to be close enough to know my vulnerable side. I can lock up in my room, cry all day and you won’t even know it.
BUT THEN, GOD.
Because I was so broken earlier this year. So torn apart I was ready to give up everything and run away. Throw everything up in the air and just run.
My life was in a mess and work was spiraling out of control. Friends I thought who would stand by me, left. I became nothing. On the verge of a mental breakdown and emotional meltdown.
BUT THEN, GOD.
In the midst of my desperation, the voice of God cut right though the storm and he said…
I WILL PUT MY SPIRIT IN YOU AND YOU WILL LIVE, and I will settle you in your OWN LAND. Then you will know that I the Lord have spoken, and I have done it, declares the Lord.’”
Then suddenly I felt the hand of God. He grip me by the collar and yanked me close to his chest, took a steel rod and I could feel the pain of Him piercing it right through my body soul and spirit. I cried my eyes out because it hurt like mad, I thought was going to pass out from the pain, and I had to cry myself to sleep.
But when I woke up, something changed in me. It was like Spiderman waking up to new powers. I felt a strength I never felt before. And then i finally understood.
Layer 4 (my innermost):
The last layer that only God himself could have done. It was a steel rod. It was strong and unbreakable. You could hit me on every side but I’ll cry and get back up again. Because this time, I was no longer fighting in my own strength. It was a backbone of steel that no one, no circumstance, no devil, could ever rip out of me.
You can beat me up, throw me out, kick me around, take everything from me, but I’ll just get back up again and keep running toward the goal Christ has set for me. Because I’m not fighting for myself. I’m fighting for Him.
– – –
This reflections came out just as I concluded three days of teambuilding bootcamp with my staff, interns and special guests.
It was the craziest camp ever. Never ever shouted so much in my life. I shouted at them. Pushed them to their limits, and then, even more. Pushed until every single one broke.
The harder they resisted,
the harder I pushed.
By day two, everyone single one was crying on the floor. Guys and girls alike. No one was given any allowance.
Everyone had to be broken.
Because it’s only in our brokenness that it gives the chance for us to be built up again. It’s only in our brokenness that we completely lose control of everything and finally give up and let God take over.
And then a miracle happens.
Slowly one by one I saw the participants pick themselves off from the floor and start allowing themselves to be rebuilt back up again. An inner strength started to grow.
I kept shouting;
“You’re stronger than you know”
One staff commented that the way I ran the training this year was so different from last year. And though there were many factors to that change, I know where the biggest change came from.
I first had to be broken by God.
Only when I myself was completely broken and rebuilt could I come down hard on the participants. I would come hard, again and again and again, until every bit of their pride was shattered. Took every last remaining ounce of my energy to do it but I could because I had my backbone of steel.
I wasn’t afraid of being fierce because I had no more fear of losing control. I could come close to the participants to break them because I was not afraid of being vulnerable. Because I knew that no matter what I did, God was in control.
And so we finally did breakthrough. The end of camp was so fulfilling because each one walked out such a different person from when they began. They each had a personal breakthrough. One they would never forget for a long long time.
For. This. Is. God.
“For the devil comes to steal, kill and destroy, but I have come that they may Life and Life Abundantly!” John 10:10
THE ABUNDANT LIFE
Dedicated to my dear survivors. 😊